Sink or Surf ?
How to surf the constant waves of change.
Happy almost weekend my friend!
Today’s Full Flight Newsletter is about dealing with change.
Change is everywhere. A quick flip through the Economist the other day and I see articles on climate change, globalization, the mixing of races, improved technology, the loss of land and nature to development, declining social equality, population booms in cities….
Not to be forgotten are the constant changes we experience on a personal level; starting school, leaving school, marriage, divorce, having children, meeting a new partner, starting a new job, losing a job, sustaining an injury, moving house, a health crisis, losing a loved one…
Significant changes are taking place around us and more, perhaps greater ones, are to come.
How do we navigate through them all?
One of the biggest changes I experienced in my life (or what I perceived to be a change at the time) took place on a warm September day five years ago. I was in the kitchen of our old home when the phone rang. It was the doctor’s office explaining that they had the results of my son’s recent blood work and the doctor wanted to meet with me to review it.
“What are the results?” I asked the receptionist.
“Um, lets see…”, she paused. “It says that your son tested positive for Celiac Disease and ah…”, another pause, ‘”it says he also tested positive for Fragile X”.
“He tested positive for Fragile X?”, I repeated back to her. I didn’t think I had heard her correctly.
“Yes”, she confirmed,
“He has Fragile X ?” I said to her, confused.
“Yes”, she said again, and that was that.
With one phone call the world as I perceived it to be had changed.
That night once the kids were in bed, my husband and I sat transfixed by the computer. What we saw and read made us sad and scared.
‘Fragile X is the leading cause of mental retardation, boys often present with long faces and prominent ears, there can be issues with anxiety and ADHD…..’
It sounded BAD.
In the months that followed a a type of franticness settled over me. In short, I got BUSY. I called agencies, filled out paperwork, took Ollie for more medical tests, and overhauled his diet. We attended workshops and conferences, researched science journals, networked with other special needs families, and met with teachers, occupational therapists, social workers, speech language pathologists and behaviour consultants.
Despite the fact I had taken a leave from my job to be with the boys (and sort this Fragile X stuff out), it was not a particularly easy time. There was not much peace, there was little rest and there was not much sorting going on, to say the least.
I recall the four of us popping into Starbucks one weekend day and things quickly headed south when we encountered one of his pre-school teachers in the crowded cafe. Oliver was tired, did not want to be there, and he really did not want to see his teacher. That Sunday outing resulted in an epic crying jag, and not just for Ollie, as upon arriving home I took my exhausted /screaming headache self upstairs where I flopped atop of our bed, cried it all out and promptly fell into a deep sleep.
A few weeks later I went out for dinner with two friends and told them about my meltdown and they looked taken aback.
“Well don’t you do that sometimes?” I asked them.
They both shook their heads, “No”.
Hmmmm…? That did make me stop and think and reconsider my constant state of frazzledness.
So why am I telling you all this?
Well I am hoping that by sharing this story that you won’t make the same mistakes I did, that when you experience some big moves you won’t get so BUSY and WORRIED that you wind up face down on your bed sobbing into your duvet.
As parents we often feel we have to do whatever we can to assist our children, because we want the best for them. Yet if this leaves us overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, or drained how can we be fully present for them?
Reflecting back on that time I wish I could have just been with my boys, enjoyed them more and not worried so much about what I should be doing. After all as the old saying goes, we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS.
What I Know For Sure (to borrow Oprah’s signature phrase)
At the Martha Beck Coaching conference I was at in May we were asked to pair up with a stranger and tell them the one thing we knew for sure.
I turned to women on my right and said;
“The one thing I know for sure is that the thing that you think is the worst thing that can happen to you can actually turn out to be the best’.
Of course I am referring to Oliver’s diagnosis.
My sons and my husband are my greatest treasures and Oliver is really my Master Life Coach. In the last few years he has taught me many valuable lessons; how to appreciate the finer things in life, how to slow down, how to celebrate the small successes that so many of us take for granted, how to live in the moment and not care what other people think…the list is long.
He has opened up my world, allowing me to meet people I never would have met, widening my circle of support and has been a catalyst for my recent career change. He is a gentle, loving, delightful boy. Both boys are. Yet standing in my kitchen, on that September day five years ago, listening to the voice on the other end of the phone, I knew none of this, all I saw, heard and felt was BAD.
Life nowadays is fast, the world is faced with changes and you probably are too. In the face of all this upheaval we need to REST. We need to give ourselves time to find our natural rhythms, we need to give ourselves quiet and stillness so we can tune into ourselves and discover what our next move may look like.
Running around like a chicken with your head cut off doesn’t work. Trust me on this.
The next time you feel a tidal wave of change bearing down on you and you feel compelled to fight and push, stop and rest instead. You may think you will sink, but you won’t…
…you will SURF…
…and if you are going through something right that you think may be the absolute worst, remember that what you think is BAD now may just turn out to be…
…the BEST.
Hope you are all enjoying your summer and thanks for allowing me space in your in box!
xo
Elizabeth