We hit a BIG milestone in our household last week when my boys went off to ‘sleep away’ camp for the first time, and I am going to share with you what happened after they left and how ‘mind dementors’ got the best of me. (With a nod to J.K. Rowling and her creation – the original gangsta Dementors in the Harry Potter series).
Off they go!
The boys were off to camp.
This was the first time that they would be on their own with non family and there was some anxiety floating around the house, mostly residing with me regarding how it would all go.
They were spending 4 nights and 5 days at the Zajac Ranch in Mission, BC. This is a camp that caters mostly to kids with special needs (Oliver has Fragile X and Autism) but as ‘typical’ siblings were welcomed there, Oliver’s younger brother Will seemed happy to go along. He had watched the videos of Camp Zajac on YouTube and was excited about the rock climbing, high ropes, horseback riding, archery, canoeing, kayaking, swimming.
Oliver watched the videos as well and we told him about the camp and how long he would be staying there and he too seemed keen, but we knew that he really wouldn’t realize what was going on until he was ‘in it’.
After Steve dropped the boys at camp (I was working that day) he texted me a few photos and said that saying goodbye had been a bit tough but he stayed positive. He told me that Oliver had a nice aide named Louis who was from Scotland and that the camp was impressive and comfortable, with clean cabins where the boys would room together, Will on the top bunk and Oliver on the bottom bunk.
Freedom Beckons!
Now childless (for a time!) Steve and I took full advantage of our new found freedom and decided to have dinner at My Shanti, our favourite Indian restaurant.
But at bedtime the house felt strangely empty and we couldn’t help but think of Oliver and if he would manage to settle. Having his younger brother with him gave us peace of mind though, as Will is so good with Ollie and can assist him as well as Steve and I can, and of course Oliver had his aide to help out too.
The next morning Steve and I enjoyed a completely CALM and PEACEFUL breakfast with NO INTERRUPTIONS!
Holy smokes! Do other people actually get to live like this!?
We marvelled at how much easier our lives would be once the kids had ‘flown the nest’. The stuff I would be able to get done, man oh man!
The morning and afternoon came and went and there was no word from the camp.
No news is good news right?!
Homesickness
We had discussed the concept of homesicknesses before the boys left and how it was natural to miss home, and that they could call us in an emergency but we would prefer they didn’t.
Prior to their departure Will had informed me that he does not get homesick so he should be able to call home. I explained that sometimes calling home causes the homesickness so it would be better if he did not. Instead of him calling us we determined that we would call the Camp Director mid-week to inquire how they were making out and to ensure all was well.
Day Two
Still no word.
Steve and I got up again in a CALM and PEACEFUL fashion (mind blown! lol) and went to work.
I had a client to see in the city followed by plans with Suzy to see ‘Mama Mia’ at Theatre Under The Stars. We had dinner at the newly opened Stanley Park Brewery (recommended!) and then made our way to the Malkin Bowl to see the performance. It was a beautiful warm summer night.
I checked my phone. No calls from the camp.
Success!
Knowing the boys were ok I was able to relax and take in the excellent production and get into all the singing and dancing. Who knew Abba had that many hit songs? Such a fun night! (Thanks Suzy!)
The half way point (Wednesday)
A busy work day.
I am in between clients when my phone rings and a strange number appears on the screen. It’s one of the camp leaders telling me that Oliver is asking for “Mom”, that he is crying a bit and not really participating in the activities. There is some discussion around his food intake as well as hasn’t been eating much. She mentions that Will is a bit homesick too and was asking to call home.
The camp leaders had told the boys that they would call us and let us know what is going on and how Oliver is upset. The camp leader and I discuss how one of the leaders will drive to town to see if they can pick up some of Oliver’s favourite foods. She thinks the boys will be fine and thinks they should stay, they just would like to see him eat more.
Due to my busy workload and the late night out seeing ‘Mama Mia’ my ability to keep my thoughts clear and positive is somewhat hampered. I go to bed worried about Oliver and concerned that Will is having to shoulder his brother’s distress. Part of me wants to drive out to Mission and collect them but I’m too darn tired.
Of course the ‘mind dementors’ surface!
Thursday AM.
Still tired from my late night out at Stanley Park (this is what happens when you are middle age, you can’t bounce back quickly from a 1AM bedtime in the middle of a work week!) Anyhooooo…..in the midst of a tired and low mood my mind starts wandering down dark alleys – and we all know this is not a good thing to let your mind do, right?
‘Mind dementors’ are those dark thoughts that fixate on ‘worst case scenario’ prospects, they are often guilt tinged and they feed on shame.
And in my case the ‘mind dementors’ were busy conjuring gems such as:
- What if Oliver hasn’t eaten properly all week and no one has noticed?
- What if Will is stressed out because Oliver is upset? How could we place this responsibility onto a kid?
- What if Oliver has been crying for four days straight?
- Are we bad parents?
- What if there are kids there with behavioural issues and they lash out at Oliver, like the time at that day camp in Langley when a non verbal child tore a huge chunk of hair from Oliver’s scalp and the camp leaders TRIED TO COVER IT UP! (don’t get me started on that one!
You get the drift.
Later in the day I talk to my Mom on the phone and I say to her;
‘I’m usually very positive but with this, with Oliver, I’m feeling overwhelmed as I thought camp would be good for him (and us) but maybe he just isn’t equipped to handle it?’
A depressive thought
This was a particularly depressing thought as for Steve and I as the Zajac Camp seemed to offer us some freedom from the daily grind of caring for a special needs child, who although sweet and loved to bits by us, has fairly limited interests and activities that he enjoys, and so anything outside his narrow sphere involves careful planning and organizing to ensure it is successful for all. As you can imagine this kind of prep work can be …
… exhausting.
Oliver going to camp meant we could have time to ourselves and it was a sign that he was maturing and that he could create in a small way, his own life separate from us, but now those hopes were being dashed.
Thursday Afternoon
I get another call from the camp.
They say Oliver is still a bit upset but better than the previous day. They want to know whether I can give them any strategies to get him to eat more?
I’m stop my work and run through the things we do to get him to eat.
Read to him. Take him out of the busy cafeteria to a quieter location. Let him have his phone with ‘Angry Birds’ on it (this is the last resort option as we didn’t want any tech at camp).
The camp director tells me it is ‘Pirate Pak’ Day so they will be having Whitespot for lunch. Thank heaven for small mercies! Oliver will eat fries and a gluten free burger from Whitespot.
Should we come and get them I ask the Camp Director?
‘No’, she says. ‘With camp over tomorrow, they should be fine’.
But still I worry and the ‘mind dementors’ continue to circle.
Pick Up Day
I am bracing for a ‘big scene’ at pick up.
Oliver seeing me and wailing, maybe throwing his back pack, maybe even hitting me? (He has never done this before but who knows? He has never been sent away before). Everyone staring at us, at our crying kid, while the other kids are happy and smiling. I don’t want to go alone, so Steve takes the day off, good man that he is.
We drive together for two hours to the farthest point of the Dewdney Trunk Road right past the Hydro Dam. It is beautiful terrain but I’m feeling a bit uneasy. Let’s get this over with I think to myself.
Arrived!
The camp seems empty when we get there. The day is slightly cloudy with hint of rain. We walk around the spacious ranch listening for voices. We ask a staff member walking by where the campers are.
‘Check out the OK Corral building’ he tells us, so we head that way.
We open the door to the building and see that it is filled with people and camping gear. Sleeping bags and back packs are piled high. Tired looking camp leaders smile at me as I scan the room and lo and behold! There he is right in front of me listening to Taylor Swift on one of the female camp leaders phone!
Oliver looks away from me. Then he turns back and there is a slight wail as he rushes towards me. He is almost my height now and I have to watch his head because he can head butt me inadvertently. He cries ‘Mamma’ and gives me a big hug.
I give him a big squeeze and tell him how proud we are of him.
Nothing else happens and as he is clearly not in a chatty mood so he picks up his bag and marches out, he’s definitely ready to get home but he’s SMILING and there are NO TEARS!
Will, who is off playing somewhere at the far end of the room, eventually runs up and gives me a tight hug and he too looks well and happy.
It is all a bit disorienting and so contrary to what I had pictured in my mind.
Thumbs down?
Back in the car we ask Oliver whether camp was a ‘thumbs up’ or ‘thumbs down’ experience. Based on the phone calls and the reports from the camp leaders I’m sure he is going to give it a ‘thumbs down’ now that he in in the privacy of the car, but it is the opposite – he gives it a ‘thumbs up’!
And Will is also excited to share all the new activities he tried during his time away, such as the high ropes (like walking a tight rope) thirty meters in the air in the pouring rain.
What the what?!
The last few days of worry and sadness over our situation with Oliver were for naught. I had allowed my mind to become overrun by the ‘mind dementors’.
ME.
The one who teaches my clients how NOT TO get caught up in these kinds of errors of thinking.
I felt humbled.
It was a good reminder that the coach needs a coach at times and a counsellor can be counselled!
But I know that when it comes to your children, objectivity can be a challenge, especially when you are receiving somewhat worrisome reports from a third party.
Staying alert for ‘mind dementors’
This experience that I have just shared with you made me consider the other forms ‘mind dementors’ come in.
If you want to keep your thoughts clear and positive then watch out for these typical thinking errors which can quickly sour your outlook and affect your mood.
- Focussing only on the negative (you can counter this by practicing gratitude)
- Thinking you are a mind reader and can predict the future. I just shared an example of this in this post, with me thinking that Oliver was miserable at camp and that he would have a ‘melt down’ at pick up time – which turned out to be untrue!
- Believing that all your emotions are justified. Sometimes we are in the wrong and even if we feel angry and justified in being mad about something or someone we may actually be out of line.
- Over personalizing things: ‘I know she isn’t calling me back because I said that thing about her daughter at lunch’. How can you really know what another person is thinking? You can’t, so try not to go there.
- Making unrealistic comparisons – Example: ‘Why should I even begin to write that novel when there are so many other accomplished writers out there’? Nope don’t go there. As the great Oscar Wilde said; “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken”.
- Black and white thinking – Thoughts such as; “Companies don’t hire older workers’. Really? I bet you can find evidence to the contrary. Life is more complicated and comes in shades of grey as opposed to straight black and white, so be mindful about looking at both sides of a coin before staking your claim.
Don’t let those mind dementors hold you back my friend and have a fabulous long weekend!
xo
Eliz
*Interested in ditching the low mood and worry so you can live the best version of yourself?
Then check out my (soon to be changing) website at www.fullflightlifecoaching.com or contact me directly at elizjturner@gmail.com