A Few Good Men ( & boys) at the bird sanctuary
I did a presentation the other week at Aboriginal Affairs and Northern Development Canada.
The workshop was about handling change during difficult times. At the end of my talk two attendees stayed around and shared their personal experiences with me.
Both these attendees were men.
That got me thinking. My clients have been men, there are men on my newsletter list and there are men in my coaching program. So why was it so surprising that it was two men that stayed around to talk?
It really shouldn’t have been surprising at all as it affirmed to me the notion that men want and need alternatives to dealing with change. Men need to talk, they need connection and support just as women do. Yet historically and culturally, connecting and expressing emotion has been the domain of women. Now however, I think we are undergoing a societal shift as men, bit by bit, break out of the shackles that society has put on them.
I know, I know, us women have shackles as well but they are of a different stripe and that is a post for another time.
Today it is all about the men.
In ancient times women needed connection with other women for survival. If you couldn’t get along with the other women in your tribe then you risked being banished, which meant no protection and no food, so basically it meant death. We were conditioned to excel in these areas as OUR LIVES DEPENDED ON IT.
As for the men, well they weren’t out gathering berries, or minding the babies or hanging out around the fire, no, they were busy trying to provide food for their families. They didn’t need to communicate at length or chat about what they were doing, they needed to keep quiet and MAKE THE KILL.
Speaking with men and hearing from their partners and family members today I get a sense that some men are unsure about their current role in society, yet they are very reluctant to share how they feel about these changes, and us women, well, we have contributed to this reluctance.
Let me explain.
Women now may be the primary breadwinner in some households and the men could be stay at home Dads, or they may be the single fathers who play both ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ roles. We also have the two Dad households and the two Mom households. The traditional lines have blurred and although these changes are refreshing and welcomed by most everyone, this shift can also cause confusion as the traditional male role of ‘Provider’ falls away.
THE MALE STEREOTYPE
So you MEN out there- have you bought into the ‘traditional’ stereotypical ideas about what a man SHOULD be like?
And for you WOMEN out there – are your expectations about what a male SHOULD be like in keeping with this traditional model?
What these limiting beliefs may sound like;
– a man SHOULD sacrifice his dreams and goals in order to support his family
– a man SHOULD be an ‘Alpha’ male (for only the Alphas come out on top)
– a man SHOULD always earn big bucks and be a decent provider
– a man SHOULD always be strong and silent
– a man SHOULD NEVER cry
– a man SHOULD never appear to be uncertain about ANYTHING
– a man SHOULD be handy, know how to fix anything (cars included), be able to make fire from sticks and survive in the woods……
the list could go on and on.
I know, some of these are so old school!!!!, but after working with hundreds of men over the past 20 odd years I KNOW that these stereotypes still exist, in the heads of men and in those around them.
The Problem With ‘Shoulds’
And you know what they say about ‘SHOULDS’ don’t you? When you use ‘should’ in reference to yourself or others you are sh*tting all over you and me!
‘Shoulding’ is negative speak. Phrases like should, have to, can’t, need to, are all red flag words– signs that we may be bumping up against limiting beliefs that a client may need to work through.
So for men who buy into the above stereotypes (or are surrounded by people who buy into them) how do they cope with emotional crisis when it comes? How do they deal with;
– divorce
– unemployment
– financial instability
– depression
– death of a loved one
– illness or disability etc…
Do they lock it down, bottle it up, become silent and distant? or Maybe they move to more damaging coping strategies? We know how that usually turns out right?
Not so good.
Who do they turn to for help?
You might reply, ‘well their partner, a friend, or a family member‘- but is that true?
What if our men DO NOT turn to us (I am referring to us women here) because they have bought into the old mindset that they must ‘man up’ and ‘suck it up’ and ‘not cry’ or show too much emotion ect… for fear of looking like a ‘sissy’, so they keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, which sometimes can turn out to be debilitating.
The 3 Things We Must Do To Support The Men We Love
What we women need to do is to support our husbands, fathers, brothers, sons and friends as they shrug off these outdated, ineffectual shackles and show us their vulnerability, and to get our men to share with us we need to do the following 3 things;
1. create a safe space for them so they want to discuss their challenges with us
2. be good listeners when they do
3. have no judgement
And by providing these 3 necessities our men will be able to OVERCOME any shame they may be experiencing and share with us;
the GOOD, the BAD and the UGLY.
Male, female, gay, straight, black, white, old, young whatever, everyone has the right to live their most fulfilling life and to do that you have to own your truth and bring your skeletons out of the closet because they
can’t survive in the light of day.
So my lovely reader, whether you are male or female, if you need support navigating the choppy waters of life…
SHARE YOUR BURDEN WITH SOMEONE WITH WHOM YOU FEEL SAFE
it will NOT diminish you.
In fact when shared with the right person, one with whom you feel safe and not judged it will STRENGTHEN YOU.
And if you do not have someone to share with
then hire someone!
be it a counsellor, psychologist, or coach, and then and only then, will the MAGIC happen, only then will you break free from the shackles of old and
START LIVING THE LIFE YOU TRULY DESIRE.
So GATHER PEOPLE, GATHER! Do not stay isolated.
I will leave you with this quote from the musician Prince which captures the theme of this post quite nicely I think.
‘Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today 2 get through this thing called Life’.
– Prince ‘Lets Go Crazy’
-I would love to hear your comments about this topic (and men don’t be shy I would love to hear from you!)- comment here or drop me a line. Do you think the old male stereotypes still exist?
and thanks for allowing me space in your in -box!
xo
Elizabeth
xo